Moan, moan, moan! Food for thought

Once again, here’s the Andrew John moan. This one’s from the latest Underground Edition, recorded on 8 April for your listening pleasure. You’ll find it on the Celtica website. 


One of my tasks as an editor is to index books. Well, that’s as an indexer, not an editor, strictly speaking, but I’m generally thought of as a provider of editorial services, so stop splitting hairs. That apart, I’ve been indexing one recently by a nutritionist. 

Now nutritionists should be avoided. They have been put on this Earth to make you miserable. They kill you with their dire threats that, if you don’t get your glycaemic index just so, you’ll die a horrible death as the flesh drops from your body in bloody, fatty, oleaginous globs of putrefaction. 

I exaggerate – just a tad. 

But it gets to me. I don’t eat outrageously unhealthy foods and like a drink on maybe three evenings a week, sometimes four. Maybe a wee bit more at holiday times, which I can usually extend to a week. Easter is a week-long holiday. 

Don’t argue

Now I reckon the heart is going to beat so many times in your lifetime. It is. There’s no getting away from it. It will beat so many times and then stop. So why bother to argue with that? Just eat your chocolate and ice cream. It will beat for the number of beats it is going to beat for. The logic is impeccable, man. 

Same goes for exercise. If you’re heart is going to beat x times before you die, why speed it up? Have a nap. 

As for eating more vegetables, well, what does a cow eat? Grass. That is vegetation, so it’s a vegetable – of sorts. You eat the cow, you eat the vegetables. The logic, once again, is impeccable. 

As for alcohol, well alcohol is made from corn, from grapes – so you’re consuming natural grains and fruits. 

I tend to think a balanced diet is a pint of beer in each hand, and my body-to-fat ratio is worked out thus: I have one body, one lot of fat, so it’s one to one. If I had two bodies, it would be two to one. If I had two lots of fat – but I don’t: I have one – it would be one to two. 

So that’s The John Guide to Healthy Eating. Eating that’s good for your mental health, that is. 

Nutritionists? Pah! They’re there to make money from their books so they can go out and have slap-up meals and get rat-arsed while they laugh at the rest of us who are shivering in fear of buying the wrong product, daring to fry something, have one unit over the two you are allowed per day of alcohol. 

[After saying I’d be putting this moan up on this blog, I added . . .] 

I like blogs. And the occasional ice-cream topped with thick chocolate sauce laced liberally with brandy. Trouble is, I can’t afford that. I should be on a nutritionist’s salary.

Underground Edition for April 15th 2007

Hello again, this is Bill Everatt, with news about the April 15th update of the Underground Edition, Live, On demand and Podcasted from Celtica Radio, and also as part of the Volts Show Collection of programmes on Radio Freeway too.

In this weeks show Keith Berry-Davies reads The story of the College Letter.  You can get more details on this tale and others from Mark Barber’s book called Urban Legends Uncovered.

Andrew John is not so much trying to diet as dying to try it!

Also who said this?   “Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.”  Who do you think said that?

Plus we’ve also got some great music and information on the artists from amongst others, Hotel Brown, Angel Carrion, Still Life, Elena, Ryan Helman and in a moment Makar.

Don’t forget to e-mail me with any comments!

When will we get someone who knows what they are doing?

Now if you are in the Armed Forces it would seem that being a captive is ‘a nice little earner’……What about the official secrets act?, oh and not giving succour or help to the enemy(not repealed since the Napoleonic wars).

It beggars belief that a high ranking officer, such as a Rear Admiral, can at any time believe that his personnel are not in a position of a special nature! That the defence of ….’I wanted them to be able to tell their own story their way’…would be sufficient for his decision.

Add to the frame another ‘bean counter’, one Mr Des Browne who now claims with hindsight he could have made a better decision…..his best decision now would be to resign, but out of the government…Yes I know he’ll move into another government office and hide for a while. You see that is what is so unfair to my ‘minds eye’. The personnel have only done what they were told they could do… a group of ‘idiots of the first water’…..and so carry no blame in this ‘debacle’.

The people who should carry the blame are probably going to ‘dissappear into the woodwork’, and loose nothing.

What about the families of those fallen service personnel? Where has the media rush been to hear their stories? Where are the journalists wanting to put forward the case for the needless loss of these personnel, lost because of the wrong kit being used, or a lack of equipment?

I would say that the fact that there was a woman involved in some way was the only ‘driver’ for this media frenzy, not to say the need for more glamoruos, ‘sexy’ news because the Iran, Iraq thing is getting ‘old news!

This woman volunteered to be in the position she was in, even though she was a mother.This was the risk she was perpared to take, and yet we are to be amazed whe she gets taken hostage at the fact she is a hostage, and a mother.

In all of this the MINISTRY OF DEFENCE is getting a bad name, well what can we expect with the Mr blair at the helm of his ‘Blair New Labour project’.

The families of the fallen, those who have lost sons, and daughters deserve better from these ‘saturday matinee Cowboys’ who wrap themselve in the Union Flag, and sacrifice these peoples children. These families need to know, and be shown that, unlike most of ‘Blairs Britain’ Honour, Sacrifice, Service, and the ultimate payment any service person can pay for his comrades, and country, the sacrifice of their own life, is NOT FOR SALE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!!

With that said, as Dave Allen use to say……..’May your God go with you. Bye

Moan, moan, moan: teachers

In Bill Everatt’s current Underground Edition I had a moan about teachers. I’ve reproduced it below (that’s the indented lot), and added another comment at the bottom. Here goes . . .

Teachers are a pusillanimous lot, aren’t they? Now there’s a word you don’t hear more than fourteen times a day: pusillanimous. Nice word. I first came across it when I saw a production of Look Back in Anger, as spoken by the main protagonist, Jimmy Porter. It means faint-hearted, lily-livered, timid, spineless – that sort of thing. But I digress. Teachers are a pusillanimous lot.

They’re complaining now about the fact that pupils send them cheeky text messages and phone images, insults on websites. Cyber bullying, it’s being called, and the teachers’ union are up in arms about it.

A survey quoted by the union claimed that 45% of teachers had received an attack by e-mail, 15% had received threatening texts – and that 10% had been upset by messages written about them on websites.

Boo-hoo, they cry. Oh, dear, don’t hurt us with words and pictures. Please.

Aw, diddums!

Before the age of mobile phones, text-messaging and websites – and it wasn’t that long ago – teachers just had to put up with insults chalked on the blackboard while they were out of the room or painted on walls by way of good, healthy graffiti. ‘Stinker Robinson is an arsehole.’ ‘Fanny Fotheringham deserves to die. Kill, kill, kill!’ And for the French teacher, ‘Monsieur Jones est merde

Ah, the good old days, eh? But did they go crying to their union about it? No, the head just gave us a good ticking off in assembly the following morning, no one found out who’d done it and life went on as usual. It’s what kids do. Get used to it.

The only difference then was that the kids doing it stood the chance of being caught, because it took longer to do it and you had to be there in order to perform this act of creative graffiti. These days you can do it from a safe and anonymous distance. That’s my main criticism. The kids are craven cowards.

Even so, it is a way for them to be expressive. If the teachers can’t instil into their charges more by way of the quality of their creativity, they deserve all they get.

But the world’s come to something when teachers are running away from words. Not that long ago they’d be telling kids who’d been subject to a bit of verbal abuse, ‘Remember, Sally: sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never hurt you.’

Yeah, right on. Let’s get some teachers with bones – backbones.

Since that broadcast (you’ll find it on this page till Bill records his next Edition on 15 April), I’ve discovered that a lot of these little arseholes – the kids, not the teachers – have been getting embarrassing phone pics of their teachers and posting them on YouTube. OK, that’s naughty and perhaps the kids should be strung up by their goolies, but now the teachers and at least one government minister want YouTube to ban the pictures. OK, you may think, till YouTube scratches its collective head and wonders which ones have been posted by pupils, whether any particular picture/video is of a teacher or a kid’s mate’s mum or the kid’s mate’s mum’s workmate at the pickle factory.

As for mobile phones in schools, well, doesn’t the discipline start there? Why does a kid need a mobile in school? They should simply be told that if they have a mobile they won’t be allowed through the school door unless they hand them in. If a parent needs to get hold of a kid at school, he/she can phone the school office, as was always the case.

And why on earth are teachers allowing themselves to be in a position whereby they can be videoed? Yes, video can be mucked about with to produce what wasn’t there, but that’s always been the case – and, as I say in the moan above, pictures of teachers have always been drawn and handed round. Why aren’t the teachers ensuring that the kids simply do not record video in school unless it’s part of the lessons – and then inspect it to ensure it’s what was required, not some quick shot of a teacher having a slash in the corner of the school playing field?

I wonder if there are teachers/pupils out there who have an opinion. But I think it still comes down to a lack of discipline, and that smacks of pusillanimity to me. (There’s that word again – in noun form!) Don’t forget to tune in to The Underground Edition from next Sunday onwards, where you’ll no doubt hear me moaning, moaning, moaning about something else. 


Hello from Cooky……just passing through!

Well…….I am blogging……have all the people in the world become apathetic……..are they so BOVINE that anyone can tell themm what to do, and they follow blindly?…………more to follow, but Matron has arrived with the screen, and the rubber pipe………Bye for Now!