Moan, moan, moan! Food for thought

Once again, here’s the Andrew John moan. This one’s from the latest Underground Edition, recorded on 8 April for your listening pleasure. You’ll find it on the Celtica website. 


One of my tasks as an editor is to index books. Well, that’s as an indexer, not an editor, strictly speaking, but I’m generally thought of as a provider of editorial services, so stop splitting hairs. That apart, I’ve been indexing one recently by a nutritionist. 

Now nutritionists should be avoided. They have been put on this Earth to make you miserable. They kill you with their dire threats that, if you don’t get your glycaemic index just so, you’ll die a horrible death as the flesh drops from your body in bloody, fatty, oleaginous globs of putrefaction. 

I exaggerate – just a tad. 

But it gets to me. I don’t eat outrageously unhealthy foods and like a drink on maybe three evenings a week, sometimes four. Maybe a wee bit more at holiday times, which I can usually extend to a week. Easter is a week-long holiday. 

Don’t argue

Now I reckon the heart is going to beat so many times in your lifetime. It is. There’s no getting away from it. It will beat so many times and then stop. So why bother to argue with that? Just eat your chocolate and ice cream. It will beat for the number of beats it is going to beat for. The logic is impeccable, man. 

Same goes for exercise. If you’re heart is going to beat x times before you die, why speed it up? Have a nap. 

As for eating more vegetables, well, what does a cow eat? Grass. That is vegetation, so it’s a vegetable – of sorts. You eat the cow, you eat the vegetables. The logic, once again, is impeccable. 

As for alcohol, well alcohol is made from corn, from grapes – so you’re consuming natural grains and fruits. 

I tend to think a balanced diet is a pint of beer in each hand, and my body-to-fat ratio is worked out thus: I have one body, one lot of fat, so it’s one to one. If I had two bodies, it would be two to one. If I had two lots of fat – but I don’t: I have one – it would be one to two. 

So that’s The John Guide to Healthy Eating. Eating that’s good for your mental health, that is. 

Nutritionists? Pah! They’re there to make money from their books so they can go out and have slap-up meals and get rat-arsed while they laugh at the rest of us who are shivering in fear of buying the wrong product, daring to fry something, have one unit over the two you are allowed per day of alcohol. 

[After saying I’d be putting this moan up on this blog, I added . . .] 

I like blogs. And the occasional ice-cream topped with thick chocolate sauce laced liberally with brandy. Trouble is, I can’t afford that. I should be on a nutritionist’s salary.

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About Andrew John

Andrew John is a writer, editor and broadcaster with Celtica, providing, among other things, a weekly moan on a topic in the news. He spends much of his life moaning and criticising, and is crap company at parties. But just humour him. He's not a bad bloke, really.

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